71 Things Tony Stark is Not Allowed To Do
by moonyandme
Summary: 27. Tony is not allowed to anger Bruce just so he can get piggy back rides from the Hulk.


**71 Things Tony Stark is Not Allowed To Do.**

 **1.** Tony is not allowed to refer to his lab as his Evil Science Lair, and then yell, "MUA! HA! HA! HA!" It makes people nervous.

 **2.** Tony is not allowed to Photoshop Thor's head to L'Oreal's _'you're worth it'_ advertisement, and then have it plastered on billboards all over the city.

 **3.** Even if Thor thinks it's funny.

 **4.** Especially if _Loki_ thinks it's funny.

 **5.** Tony is not allowed to eat the Red, White and Blue Turbo Rocket popsicle in front of Steve

 **6.** Especially when there are other people present.

 **7.** Even if it makes Steve throw him over his ridiculously big shoulders and run to their bedroom.

 **8.** It grosses Clint out.

 **9.** Who then proceeds to complain endlessly to Natasha about "why can't those two keep their hands off each other for just _five seconds_? Do you know the time when I caught them doing - ?"

 **10.** Natasha really, really doesn't like Clint complaining.

 **11.** Or the unwanted information about Tony and Steve's sex lives.

 **12.** Tony is not allowed to refer to himself as The Beauty, and Bruce as The Beast.

 **13.** It's insensitive (according to Pepper)

 **14.** Plus, it makes Steve jealous for some reason.

 **15.** Tony is not allowed to refer to himself as the salt to Pepper's...well, pepper. That joke is getting older than Steve.

 **16.** See number 14 again.

 **17.** Tony is not allowed to tell new employees at Stark Tower that J.A.R.V.I.S is "the voice of God. Oh my God, _you can hear it too?_ "

 **18.** Tony is not allowed to bribe The New York Times into printing a public service announcement stating that Justin Hammer has herpes.

 **19.** Tony is not allowed to play the theme song from _Psycho_ every time Nick Fury walk into the room.

 **20.** And then scream like Janet Leigh.

 **21.** Tony is not allowed to permit Dummy to leave the Lab. _Ever._

 **22.** Tony is not allowed to refer to the hickeys on Clint's skin as the _real_ Widow's Bite.

 **23.** Tony is not allowed to scream _"IT'S ALIVE!"_ every time Coulson walk into the room.

 **24.** And then jump into Steve's arms.

 **25.** Tony is not allowed to stick a note on the back of Steve's jacket saying: _property of Tony Stark. If found, please return to Stark Tower_ , whenever Steve goes out on his own.

 **26.** And then proceed to hack into the city's CCTV cameras to "make sure Steve's not being molested by little old ladies."

 **27.** Tony is not allowed to anger Bruce just so he can get piggy back rides from the Hulk.

 **28.** The property damage is getting ridiculous.

 **29.** Tony is not allowed to challenge Thor to a pop-tart eating contest. Thor on a sugar rush is a public hazard.

 **30.** Tony, along with Clint, is not allowed to throw spit balls from the vents at the new interns in the R &D department and call it 'positive interaction.'

 **31.** Tony is not allowed to randomly kidnap Skye in order to lure her to the 'awesomeness that is Tony Stark and Bruce Banner: Science Bros Extraordinaire.'

 **32.** It upsets Coulson.

 **33.** No matter how cool he thinks she is.

 **34.** Tony is not allowed to send Loki books and/or pamphlets on adoption.

 **35.** Or single parenthood.

 **36.** Tony is not allowed to distribute fake wedding invitations at S.H.I.E.L.D headquarters celebrating the upcoming nuptials of Nick Fury and Maria Hill.

 **37.** It makes Hill trigger happy.

 **38.** No one wants that. _No one._

 **39.** Tony is not allowed to install a DDR machine in the Tower and then force new employees to compete as part of the 'initiation process.'

 **40.** Tony is not allowed to introduce Darcy to others as his 'long lost illegitimate daughter.'

 **41.** And then sic Dummy lose on any guy who comes near her.

 **42.** Tony is not allowed to hack into Mario Kart so that only he can win.

 **43.** It leads to bloodshed.

 **44.** The laundry guys are getting really tired of all the blood stains they have to get rid of.

 **45.** Tony is not allowed to give Steve a strip tease in the communal lounge.

 **46.** Nobody except Steve wants to see him in a Captain America catsuit.

 **47.** Tony is not allowed to ask Steve to "draw me like one of your French girls."

 **48.** And then get naked.

 **49.** No matter where he is.

 **50.** Tony is not allowed to buy The Dodgers for Steve every time their anniversary comes around.

 **51.** Tony is not allowed to dye all of Clint's clothes purple.

 **52.** And then proclaim loudly to everyone that the colour purple represents sexual frustration.

 **53.** Tony is not allowed to send assassins after General Ross.

 **54.** Even if Natasha and Clint offer.

 **55.** Tony is not allowed to ask Natasha to start playing with her knives every time an intern or a new Tower employee walks past her.

 **56.** And then smile at them while doing so.

 **57.** Tony is not allowed to start a paint gun war between the Avengers.

58\. That has the potential to bring about the Apocalypse.

 **59.** Tony is not allowed to ask Loki what gender he is.

 **60.** Tony is not allowed to scream "blasphemy!" and then cross himself whenever he sees someone holding an Apple product.

 **61.** Or Microsoft.

 **62.** And then burn it to the ground and call it an exorcism.

 **63.** Tony is not allowed to write 'for a good time, call...' on the walls of all of New York's public restrooms and attach Clint's mobile number next to it.

 **64.** Tony is not allowed to seduce Steve anywhere on the Helicarrier, or S.H.I.E.L.D headquarters.

 **65.** And then have unnecessarily loud and noisy sex.

 **66.** Many S.H.I.E.L.D Agents already have PTSD. They don't need the added trauma.

 **67.** Tony is not allowed to drench Wanda in 'holy water' while screaming "Witch! Fiend! Demon!" at her.

 **68.** Tony is not allowed to refer to himself in the third person.

 **69.** Tony is not allowed to send death threats to Mark Gatiss and Steven Moffat to force them to "make Sherlock season 4 happen. _Now._ "

 **70.** Tony is not allowed to tell Pepper that "the only way I'll attend any of those mind numbingly boring galas is if you convince Angelina Jolie to be my date."

 **71.** Visit number 14 _again_. Seriously, Steve is a jealous and possessive person. Get that through your thick head.


End file.
